me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
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I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
found my next D&D character name
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?