me and my fake scenarios
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the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
That’s classic.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.