ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

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My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.


Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom


MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked


toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]


Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.


Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”


My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.


I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture


Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”