ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
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i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
blocked.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.