[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
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If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.