Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

me: I need tires

michelin: here you go

me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant

michelin: you’re not gonna believe this

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*

sry

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.

She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.