ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
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FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Catercrombie & Fish
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.