Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
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pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.