ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
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The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
peeping toms
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.