ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
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Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
“no gods no masters” = leo
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.