Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
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i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
oh my gosh!!
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…