Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
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An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.