Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message

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The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.


I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.


Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.


Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets


[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?


Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised


These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.


Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.