@squirrel74wkgn

Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message

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@TheAlexNevil

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

@SondraDeeMe

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

@squirrel74wkgn

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

@DBMaxP

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

@crunchenhanced

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

@Benjamin4501

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

@Dawn_M_

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

@IGotsSmarts

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.