Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
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[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.