Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
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Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
*limbos under the caution tape
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Blew out my flip flop…
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.