me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
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Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
describing stardew valley
me refusing to leave twitter
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
never compromise your values
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.