me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.