Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
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My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”