Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
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picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure