Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
You Might Also Like
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
any last words?
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”