me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
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I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
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Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something