me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
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What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.