Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
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Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
So sick of all these stupid rules
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot