Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
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Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Bloody internet 😳
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*