me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
You Might Also Like
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful