@dorsalstream

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

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@momsense_ensues

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

@riot4rach

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

@DamienFahey

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

@KLBChicken

“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.

@joshgondelman

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

@envydatropic

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

@notalogin

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

@kelkulus

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

@TheToddWilliams

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this