@momsense_ensues Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
@dorsalstream ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
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@momsense_ensues 
@riot4rach me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
@DamienFahey I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
@KLBChicken “To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
@joshgondelman The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
@envydatropic I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
@notalogin A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
@kelkulus If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
@TheToddWilliams [boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
@Marcmywords2 *jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle