ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
You Might Also Like
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.