ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?


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Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)


me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them


I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.


“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.


The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.


I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me


A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.


If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.


[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this