me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
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[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
My time has come.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”