me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
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Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.