Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
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“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…