Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
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Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.