Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
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Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Stop being racist to kettles.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
BRO LMFAO
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
craving $300 all of a sudden
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend