Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

We’ve come full circle

[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.