me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
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me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….