me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
You Might Also Like
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
#have a #great #PancakeDay