@Shen_the_Bird

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

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@TheAndrewNadeau

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

@Parkerlawyer

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

@mrjohndarby

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

@SteveSuckington

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

@LizHackett

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

@RidiculousSheri

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

@brennadine

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.