Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
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[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
The happy life.. 😊