[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
You Might Also Like
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”