[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
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“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.