(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
You Might Also Like
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*