me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
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Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
adam and eve had first world problems
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief