Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
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I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
how high up are we talkin’?
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?