me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
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[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?