Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
You Might Also Like
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I remember when things only cost an arm.