*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
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duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms