[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
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when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Breaking news:
Teach your children to beatbox
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES