[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
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every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
need him
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
j o i m p
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No