Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
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After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement