[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
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My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.