[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
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8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”