Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
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the Monday after daylight savings
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
it’s a van. how do they not know this
HELP 😭
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.