Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
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Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
My sex drive has a dui
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
