ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
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Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
😏😏😏
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?