Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
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I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
No. He’s not coming out to play
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis