Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
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I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Is anyone gonna tell them?
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
me 2 months after i graduated
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne