ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
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Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Get in loser we’re going crying
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.