My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
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I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.
so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’