@reallifemommy3

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

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@FetishBitch

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

@NotthatAdamWest

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

@UluwatuSiap

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

@iamvkhil2

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

@egg_dog

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

@_wangwe

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

@VerifiedDrunk

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

@Storminika

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’